I should not hear it drop, and consequently I
should never think of looking for it. Can you imagine anything more
distracting than to have something you have lost lying there without your
knowing it? It tortures me, therefore, to walk on carpets; I am in
constant fear and I keep my hands over my pockets; I look at my vest
buttons to be sure of them. I turn around again and again to make sure
that I haven't by chance lost something or other--And there are other
annoyances: I have the strangest ideas, the most peculiar hallucinations.
I place a glass on the very edge of the table and imagine I have made a
bet with some one--a bet involving enormous amounts. Then I blow on the
glass; if it falls I lose--lose an amount large enough to ruin me for
life; if it remains I have won and can build myself a castle on the
Mediterranean. It is the same whenever I go up a strange stairway: should
there be sixteen steps I win, but if there are eighteen I lose. Into this,
though, there enter other intricate possibilities: Suppose there should be
twenty steps, have I lost or won? I do not yield; I insist on my rights in
the matter; I go to law and lose my case--Well, you mustn't laugh; it is
really annoying.
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